Emma

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:43:03 GMT

Rawr. Life seems like its over sometimes.

Life is interesting.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:13:33 GMT

I haven't updated in months, I have been avoiding technology....and basically anything to do with being social.

I am doing a bit better now, I think the new meds are helping.

Nursing school is going well, and I have lost a ton of weight.

I think that is about all. :)

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 01:22:40 GMT

I am feeling like an utter failure.

It isn't school, I am doing fine in that. Its just everything else is out of whack.

I finally feel the way I look. I finally feel the way I act. I finally feel just, blegh.

I want to peel off this chrysalis and spread blue and silver dusty wings to the sky and fly away, but now I know that I am not in a cocoon, I am really just a worm, and unlike caterpillers, worms don't morph into something beautiful, worms just stay worms.

Beauty from Pain- SuperChick

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 03:38:06 GMT

At the end of this entry...I have included this song that I have been listening to on repeat.

God, life has been so hard lately in so many things- I am just feeling suffocated by things- I want to give everything away and float to neverland on a cloud.

I feel like I am smothered by all this surrounding hate- it is hard to wake up sometimes. Hard to make myself get out of bed.

But I kid myself, because everyone knows that I am happy, and that I am not sad- and that I can stop myself from hurting and being so lost.

I'm tired of all my lies.

The lights go out all around me--
one last candle to keep out the night--
and then the darkness surrounds me,
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that it's over.
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again.
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

My whole world is the pain inside me.
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory,
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.
And though I can't understand why this happened,
I know that I will when I look back someday,
and see how you've brought beauty from ashes,
and made me as gold purified through these flames.

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again.
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

Here I am, at the end of me,
tryin' to hold to what I can't see.
I forgot how to hope.
This night's been so long.
I cling to Your promise
there will be a dawn.

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again.
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 08:01:31 GMT

I absolutely love this picture...

<3

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:50:18 GMT

My nursing program is fantastic. I couldn't have wished for anything more.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 02:25:45 GMT

I am trading my sister a laptop for her room....which sounds kind of weird and crazy, except that her room is twice the size of my old room, and it has this huge walk in closet with a window that I could turn into a study area while I go to school.

The said thing is that she asked me to help her clean her room, which really amounts to her sitting on the bed talking to me while I deal with spider webs and old crap from years and years ago.

Also, I have been going through stuff, and gagging due to certain amounts of dead bugs and rotting stuff all over. I don't quite understand how she could not "know" that there was cat poop under her desk- I am sort of wondering if she lacks a sense of smell.

Well, once everything is said and DONE.....then I will have a clean empty room to move into and set up.

One bonus, also, is that there is room is the walk in closet thing for me to FINALLY set up an alter of my own. Which would be greatly beneficial to me since I have been feeling like I need one.

Random.

Thu, 28 May 2009 23:28:31 GMT

If you could have one superpower...what would it be?

Mine would be to change my looks at whim......

but I wouldn't mind super intelligence either- as long as it didn't make me awkward...<3

Sat, 16 May 2009 17:49:37 GMT

It is only two weeks away from the one year anniversary of the day that my dad died.

It doesn't feel any less raw than it did last year. It doesn't hurt any less, it just aches. It isn't like when you first fall and scrape up your knees, its like a few days after, when everything aches- when you realize for sure that there is going to be a scar, because you took too much skin off when you fell on the pavement.

I miss him, and if there was anything I could do to have one more conversation with him, I would. I would hold his hand, and tell him all about everything. About being alive, about being free- about my writing, and my friends, and the last science fiction book I read.

We would eat popsicles and watermelon, and cook out on the grill, then walk through his favorite Gold Course. I would tell him that I was sorry for waiting till the very end to make things right with him, and that I was sorry for being such a difficult person in the end, for waiting and waiting till I had barely any time to realize that he WAS my father, and that parent-kid relationships aren't perfect, but they are what they are. Blood is thick, and life, life is this beautifully complicated thing....that parents help complicate, but they also help drag you through the toughest shit.

I miss him. But it is okay, because we made things right in the end.

We made things right in the end.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:29:23 GMT

"No, I am going to hide them because I have the decency to not eat them all, if I leave them with you then you will eat them all and you know it."

The was the general just of it anyway.

Needless to say, it doesn't make a person feel any better about themselves.

Sometimes, even if the statement was supposed to be funny, it hurts worse than if your statement was meant to be serious.

Its the undertones.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:35:13 GMT

I Just can't stop hurting myself.

It doesn't matter how it gets done, just that it gets done.

I keep falling, and I don't know how to stop it........

It all feels meaningless.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:33:35 GMT

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:33:29 GMT

Want to know what is pathetic, is when you like someone so much- and they don't seem to care about you at all.

You would have thought, he would have cared more that I was breaking up with him....

But he didn't care at all.

Not one bit.

It showed me how very little he thought of our relationship.

Maybe there never was one. Really.

a page from my journal...from january in sacramento

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:07:41 GMT

crow sitting on the crescent on the mosque
bluejay on the tangerine house with spanish tiles- picking in the gutter
cars on the highways
birds
moon in the sky with the sun
woman yelling at children in spanish in the corner apartments
the tiger colored chihuahua barking
our overgrown lawn- filled with clovers, decaying leaves, and yellow flowers
clove cigarettes
shifa community clinic
little muslim boy on rusty bicycle
bare feet in january
taxi drivers
baptist church
white trees
sweet old ladies- Jehovah's witnesses
the cat in heat on our back porch, calico- male orange lover running away- unprotected sex
dog chained behind the green house, rustling in the sun
little chinese lady going through our recyclables
playground with rocketships and children
11 steps to our front door
hawks circling above the city- are they mates?
curtains pulled aside by pecking eyes
the grassless lawn to skids apartment- the cracker? (I must find a better word)
moss growing on the sidewalk
blue sky- so blue. eternal blue.
black man dressed in white , head to toe- except for blue baseball cap.
roomates making drunken love
cinnamon man clad in green, birkenstocks on his feet
I am tainted by the light of eternal sunshine!
beautiful people with jeans tucked inside their shoes- avoiding the puddles.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:54:59 GMT

Wow, filed my tax return.

I should be getting 2 grand back.

Woo hoo!

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 20:04:17 GMT

Everything is going smoothly.

While I may not be that happy with my life as it is, right now things seem to be heading in the right direction.

<3

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 02:16:47 GMT

Okay.

This is the current plan of action. :D

Get a job closer to home. Quit the job that I hate. Don't get a car. Save the extra 2grand that I will be getting from my tax return and stick it in a savings account. Finish this semester at MCC, finish a third semester at MCC, maybe a fourth if it means I will get my associates in something. Take the money from the savings account- and rrrrruuuunnnnnn.

I don't feel tied here, I don't feel like I have any reason to stay.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 05:06:12 GMT

I am full of considerations.

I am considering not buying a car with my tax return. I am considering quitting my job. I am considering quitting school and running off to New Mexico as soon as my lease is up. I am considering selling all my stuff. I am considering putting together an achievable diet plan. I am considering painting something. I am considering taking my sewing machine and actually using it. I am considering starting to practice on a more frequent basis, because my spirit just feels sick lately. I am considering telling certain people what I really think of them. I am considering skipping doing homework tonight and just going back to bed. I am considering leaving everyone and everything for a good long while. I am considering a restart. I am considering adopting a cat that desperately needs a home. I am considering sitting down and having a really long good cry for the shitacular way my life has turned lately.

I am not a good friend, and sometimes I just want to explode at everyone who is around me. I'm just so tired lately, and worn out.

I wish I could escape, and I wish that I didn't feel like the only way I could escape was to off myself or jump on a plane.

Dun dun dun...

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:54:08 GMT

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 09:30:24 GMT

I feel so safe in that dark place, safe and warm- protected from everything that eats me away. I like that I can never remember what happens after I reach it, all I have is a blank in my mind- like a dream that has already fogged up and gone. Lately, I have just wanted to get drunk and stay drunk until everything is over. You know?

I'm such a jerk, even though I don't mean to be. I don't really know how to deal with pressure, or things that bother me. I'm terrible with words when I am so full of emotion I can cliche'edly burst. :(

Breaking things can be so easy- but when I try to put them back together again, I just cut my hands.

I'm thinking and dreaming and wishing I was in California.
I miss you.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 06:03:02 GMT

So, I really hate that compare people application on facebook.

I hate it because it really hurts my feelings to see what people actually think of me, I think that the application should just show your 10 best traits and not the things that people don't vote for you at all.

Like, I know that I don't really have pretty eyes, or that I am not sexier than most- but come on, no one wants to be stuck in handcuffs with me for a day? That could be fun! Am I that uninteresting?

Blah, hate that application- though, it did make me feel pretty good to see that I am most intelligent- *puffs up her feathers*

Anyway, Icannot for the life of me fall asleep. This is what I get for staying up all day, lol.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 06:59:51 GMT

I'm sitting in my room lamenting the loss of my childhood, in that half-baked cookie kind of way.

I'm feeling sad, and lonely- and...I could ask one of my room mates to wake up and talk to me, but that would be selfish and undeserved- what I really want is something stupid and uncalled for- blah.

I miss the days when being an angsty teenager was okay, I just want to go back a couple years to where I could do some damage, go talk to damage control- and nothing would really be all that wrong. Really.

Maybe everything is because I am struggling with self image problems, and am scared to trust that people actually care about me because I have a hard time believing that I am little more than a faded, dusty rag that has been used up twice too many times and should really have a cremation rather then a good washing.

Ugliness is an overwhelming feeling at 2am.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 06:42:48 GMT

I am an insecure person and I can't help it.

On better news, I may lose my job- and I am still car-less.

I also wish I owned a cat that would sleep with me, the only cat in the house that is cuddly is my roomates- and she is not really t.he sharing of pets type.

Also, I think that the cold weather is really getting to me, whenever I look out to the snow- I think of a hundred ways to die that wouldn't be so painful because I would be numb,

Fuck.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 11:09:20 GMT

Trying to breathe, trying to breathe.

Things are so, confused- lately. I wish I could go back to three days ago (when I wasn't so car-less) <3

Another thing that makes me happy : holding hands with a certain someone. <3

I am thinking of buying a ring for my nose piercing, it might be different and pretty (or look completely stupid, lol)

So, I have decided not to freak out about my financial instability. Everything will work out- for better or for worse....<3

We need to hang out Becca.<3

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 06:10:23 GMT

Something feels wrong...>>