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[10 Nov 2009|06:42pm] Rawr. Life seems like its over sometimes. think of me

Life is interesting. [16 Sep 2009|07:11pm] I haven't updated in months, I have been avoiding technology....and basically anything to do with being social. I am doing a bit better now, I think the new meds are helping. Nursing school is going well, and I have lost a ton of weight. I think that is about all. :) 2 thoughts | think of me

[08 Aug 2009|09:17pm] I am feeling like an utter failure. It isn't school, I am doing fine in that. Its just everything else is out of whack. I finally feel the way I look. I finally feel the way I act. I finally feel just, blegh. I want to peel off this chrysalis and spread blue and silver dusty wings to the sky and fly away, but now I know that I am not in a cocoon, I am really just a worm, and unlike caterpillers, worms don't morph into something beautiful, worms just stay worms. think of me

Beauty from Pain- SuperChick [30 Jul 2009|11:35pm] At the end of this entry...I have included this song that I have been listening to on repeat. God, life has been so hard lately in so many things- I am just feeling suffocated by things- I want to give everything away and float to neverland on a cloud. I feel like I am smothered by all this surrounding hate- it is hard to wake up sometimes. Hard to make myself get out of bed. But I kid myself, because everyone knows that I am happy, and that I am not sad- and that I can stop myself from hurting and being so lost. I'm tired of all my lies. The lights go out all around me-- one last candle to keep out the night-- and then the darkness surrounds me, I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died. And all that's left is to accept that it's over. My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made. I try to keep warm but I just grow colder. I feel like I'm slipping away. After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again. And there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain. My whole world is the pain inside me. The best I can do is just get through the day. When life before is only a memory, I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place. And though I can't understand why this happened, I know that I will when I look back someday, and see how you've brought beauty from ashes, and made me as gold purified through these flames. After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again. And there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain. Here I am, at the end of me, tryin' to hold to what I can't see. I forgot how to hope. This night's been so long. I cling to Your promise there will be a dawn. After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again. And there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain. think of me

[24 Jul 2009|04:01am] I absolutely love this picture... <3 think of me

[03 Jul 2009|12:49pm] My nursing program is fantastic. I couldn't have wished for anything more. think of me

[13 Jun 2009|10:22pm] I am trading my sister a laptop for her room....which sounds kind of weird and crazy, except that her room is twice the size of my old room, and it has this huge walk in closet with a window that I could turn into a study area while I go to school. The said thing is that she asked me to help her clean her room, which really amounts to her sitting on the bed talking to me while I deal with spider webs and old crap from years and years ago. Also, I have been going through stuff, and gagging due to certain amounts of dead bugs and rotting stuff all over. I don't quite understand how she could not "know" that there was cat poop under her desk- I am sort of wondering if she lacks a sense of smell. Well, once everything is said and DONE.....then I will have a clean empty room to move into and set up. One bonus, also, is that there is room is the walk in closet thing for me to FINALLY set up an alter of my own. Which would be greatly beneficial to me since I have been feeling like I need one. Random. think of me

[28 May 2009|04:27pm] If you could have one superpower...what would it be? Mine would be to change my looks at whim...... but I wouldn't mind super intelligence either- as long as it didn't make me awkward...<3 1 thought | think of me

[16 May 2009|01:42pm] It is only two weeks away from the one year anniversary of the day that my dad died. It doesn't feel any less raw than it did last year. It doesn't hurt any less, it just aches. It isn't like when you first fall and scrape up your knees, its like a few days after, when everything aches- when you realize for sure that there is going to be a scar, because you took too much skin off when you fell on the pavement. I miss him, and if there was anything I could do to have one more conversation with him, I would. I would hold his hand, and tell him all about everything. About being alive, about being free- about my writing, and my friends, and the last science fiction book I read. We would eat popsicles and watermelon, and cook out on the grill, then walk through his favorite Gold Course. I would tell him that I was sorry for waiting till the very end to make things right with him, and that I was sorry for being such a difficult person in the end, for waiting and waiting till I had barely any time to realize that he WAS my father, and that parent-kid relationships aren't perfect, but they are what they are. Blood is thick, and life, life is this beautifully complicated thing....that parents help complicate, but they also help drag you through the toughest shit. I miss him. But it is okay, because we made things right in the end. We made things right in the end. think of me

[30 Apr 2009|12:26am] "No, I am going to hide them because I have the decency to not eat them all, if I leave them with you then you will eat them all and you know it." The was the general just of it anyway. Needless to say, it doesn't make a person feel any better about themselves. Sometimes, even if the statement was supposed to be funny, it hurts worse than if your statement was meant to be serious. Its the undertones. think of me

[03 Mar 2009|07:34pm] I Just can't stop hurting myself. It doesn't matter how it gets done, just that it gets done. I keep falling, and I don't know how to stop it........ It all feels meaningless. 2 thoughts | think of me

[23 Feb 2009|06:33pm] think of me

[22 Feb 2009|08:27pm] Want to know what is pathetic, is when you like someone so much- and they don't seem to care about you at all. You would have thought, he would have cared more that I was breaking up with him.... But he didn't care at all. Not one bit. It showed me how very little he thought of our relationship. Maybe there never was one. Really. 1 thought | think of me

a page from my journal...from january in sacramento [18 Feb 2009|06:01pm] crow sitting on the crescent on the mosque bluejay on the tangerine house with spanish tiles- picking in the gutter cars on the highways birds moon in the sky with the sun woman yelling at children in spanish in the corner apartments the tiger colored chihuahua barking our overgrown lawn- filled with clovers, decaying leaves, and yellow flowers clove cigarettes shifa community clinic little muslim boy on rusty bicycle bare feet in january taxi drivers baptist church white trees sweet old ladies- Jehovah's witnesses the cat in heat on our back porch, calico- male orange lover running away- unprotected sex dog chained behind the green house, rustling in the sun little chinese lady going through our recyclables playground with rocketships and children 11 steps to our front door hawks circling above the city- are they mates? curtains pulled aside by pecking eyes the grassless lawn to skids apartment- the cracker? (I must find a better word) moss growing on the sidewalk blue sky- so blue. eternal blue. black man dressed in white , head to toe- except for blue baseball cap. roomates making drunken love cinnamon man clad in green, birkenstocks on his feet I am tainted by the light of eternal sunshine! beautiful people with jeans tucked inside their shoes- avoiding the puddles. think of me

[18 Feb 2009|05:54pm] Wow, filed my tax return.  I should be getting 2 grand back. Woo hoo! think of me

[14 Feb 2009|03:03pm] Everything is going smoothly. While I may not be that happy with my life as it is, right now things seem to be heading in the right direction. <3 think of me

[04 Feb 2009|09:13pm] Okay. This is the current plan of action. :D Get a job closer to home. Quit the job that I hate. Don't get a car. Save the extra 2grand that I will be getting from my tax return and stick it in a savings account. Finish this semester at MCC, finish a third semester at MCC, maybe a fourth if it means I will get my associates in something. Take the money from the savings account- and rrrrruuuunnnnnn. I don't feel tied here, I don't feel like I have any reason to stay. 1 thought | think of me

[03 Feb 2009|12:00am] I am full of considerations. I am considering not buying a car with my tax return. I am considering quitting my job. I am considering quitting school and running off to New Mexico as soon as my lease is up. I am considering selling all my stuff. I am considering putting together an achievable diet plan. I am considering painting something. I am considering taking my sewing machine and actually using it. I am considering starting to practice on a more frequent basis, because my spirit just feels sick lately. I am considering telling certain people what I really think of them. I am considering skipping doing homework tonight and just going back to bed. I am considering leaving everyone and everything for a good long while. I am considering a restart. I am considering adopting a cat that desperately needs a home. I am considering sitting down and having a really long good cry for the shitacular way my life has turned lately. I am not a good friend, and sometimes I just want to explode at everyone who is around me. I'm just so tired lately, and worn out. I wish I could escape, and I wish that I didn't feel like the only way I could escape was to off myself or jump on a plane. think of me

Dun dun dun... [02 Feb 2009|11:50pm] think of me

[29 Jan 2009|04:26am] I feel so safe in that dark place, safe and warm- protected from everything that eats me away. I like that I can never remember what happens after I reach it, all I have is a blank in my mind- like a dream that has already fogged up and gone. Lately, I have just wanted to get drunk and stay drunk until everything is over. You know? I'm such a jerk, even though I don't mean to be. I don't really know how to deal with pressure, or things that bother me. I'm terrible with words when I am so full of emotion I can cliche'edly burst. :( Breaking things can be so easy- but when I try to put them back together again, I just cut my hands. I'm thinking and dreaming and wishing I was in California. I miss you. think of me

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